Reporting on G-d II: Tisha B'Av, Mourning Ground Zero

Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him (Job 13:15)

Him? "Him"?

No, there is no "him". I don't remotely believe or experience G-d to be separate from me- G-d suffuses everything. Everything is G-d. The pain, the blood, the joy, the delight. There is no question in my mind.

As for Job, who can stand here and say their story is akin to his? That notion is rather daunting and humbling. Perhaps it's just that we can relate. We may not be so extravagantly prosperous, but maybe we've known extravagant happiness and blessing and suddenly it is all snatched away, in ways we never imagined. Job's story is related so compassionately.

In that tale, the Satan, G-d's familiar, is directed to afflict the soul in whom G-d has tremendous confidence. We see Job as a man who mindlessly clings to ritual and doing all the right things that he thinks have brought him the great rewards of prosperity. Well, I am not sure how many of us can relate to that part. In fact, I think it is G-d's confidence in Job's core soul that allows Him to risk such material and emotional devastation on Job's life, even though Job simplistically believes right acts lead to reward.

It turns out that shaking a fist at G-d and standing his ground is Job's real style, his core nature and soul. In the face of everything, he finally declares: Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him. Or, "yet will I argue with Him".

I've observed G-d for quite some time, now. And rarely really reported on the phenomenon. I read Psalms and discover a pattern: that the Psalmists are always experiencing G-d and/or trying to get back to G-d and the experience. I discover another pattern in Shaharit, the morning service, that addresses an awesome encounter, a description of that encounter, and the desire to remain within that experience; and having had that encounter, to live in hope of it and of G-d's grace and favour, to be suffused with that supernal light which is hoped for, wished for, craved, longed for, and which you can't buy, bargain for or will. It's all about returning to G-d. Over and over again.

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm on a treadmill. The "getting back to G-d" treadmill. Crap happens. I turn to G-d. Crap happens again and I turn to G-d. Even when I think I'm being faithful, doing the right things, crap happens and I'm back to square one. Or lately, back to ground zero. I have to ask myself at some point, is this that damned Buddhist wheel of suffering? Am I not getting it? Am I not understanding?

And then Tisha B'Av comes along. I remember, once, reading Eicha, The Book of Lamentations, and fasting, all by my lonesome and being struck by the thought of there being no G-d, no cosmic meaning in my life. As I've mentioned before, the realisation filled me with utter terror, as if I were torn away...violently rent from the source of Everything.

Ask me if I am not relieved to have Tisha B'Av descend upon us this Saturday night? I may feel as if I'm on a treadmill, but it somehow brings relief, becomes a touchstone. I have so much to howl at this year, and Lamentations is as ground zero as you can get. I will grasp at any holy verses that capture the essence of our tender, vertiginous lives and the nightmares that petrify our dreams. They are as real as all the hope and glory, and they are as much sanctified.

No one can answer why bad things happen to good (or innocuous) people. Any answers I have ever read have always created a limited god, a god of our projection, a god of our personal understanding, touted as the god. No. There is only mystery, and perhaps a spark of great unfathomable love, if we are lucky. A love that encompasses the good and the bad, because, in the end, it is all good.

Feh. In my raging pain it remains cold comfort; I want my friend back as she was, I want some shred of remembered happiness with no cruel unabiding centre.

Still, Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him (Job 13:15)

Go figure.

Poverty and Shiva and Curses

The thought occurs: talking with or to a person who is on the verge of bankruptcy and homelessness is like talking to the loved one of a dead person. Both are sitting shiva, only the shiva of a poor person seems to have no end, in terms of losses. Often it is best to sit by their side and hold their hand and remain silent and follow their lead when they do speak.

Becoming poor, I realise, is very much about loss, and the financial aspect merely the tip of the iceberg, the surface of things. Just imagine the losses, if you are able. Most people inhabit the world in which loss is concrete, in terms of love, in terms of death, in terms of fripperies. There are social and/or religious rituals for all.

But, what is the ritual and protocol for the descent into, and being in, poverty? I finally met with my therapist today and it is clear she didn't grasp that I was sitting shiva, though I can't blame her because it was all about feeling overwhelmed and disorganised with all the things I need to do, and all the bureaucracy; no time even for tapping into the chasm of forlornness that pervades it all. Still, I hope people understand that those who lose financially are losing so much more and there is so much bereavement, beyond any feeling of shame or humiliation or anything you can imagine.

I never imagined my blog would turn in this direction. But it has. It's like living in a completely different world from others. It's like moving through this world on a different frequency, with such different needs from the needs and hungers of the general populace. Often, your world is reduced to the penny on the street. Yet, somehow, I don't begrudge others their prosperity (ok, except for the venal types, and a curse be upon them).

Speaking of curses; I was studying Ki Tavo last week, and here is what was written (edited for pertinence):

But if you do not obey the Lord your God to observe faithfully all His commandments and laws which I enjoin upon you this day, all these curses shall come upon you and take effect: The Lord will let loose against you calamity, panic, and frustration in all the enterprises you undertake .... The Lord will make pestilence cling to you... The Lord will strike you with madness... and dismay ... you shall not prosper in your ventures, but shall be constantly abused and robbed, with none to give help.....If you build a house, you shall not live in it. If you plant a vineyard, you shall not harvest it. ... A people you do not know shall eat up the produce of your soil and all your gains; you shall be abused and downtrodden continually ... The stranger in your midst shall rise above you higher and higher, while you sink lower and lower: he shall be your creditor, but you shall not be his; he shall be the head and you the tail.
All these curses shall befall you; ... Because you would not serve the Lord your God in joy and gladness over the abundance of everything, you shall have to serve — in hunger and thirst, naked and lacking everything — the enemies whom the Lord will let loose against you. He will put an iron yoke upon your neck until He has wiped you out.

Source

If anyone got this far in their reading, know that when I read it, I wondered, wow, sounds like I am cursed, because I sure have experienced the above. And if I am cursed, I don't get it. I just don't get it. Like, is it karma? Because my sociopathic landlady is prospering while leaving me and the wreckage of any secure life I had in her wake.

This is a total conundrum to me. If I am cursed, if this, my life now, is a curse, then what? What in heaven's name would it take not to be cursed?

While I sit shiva, I have had friends. Including those who come here or in email and leave comments and hold my hand. And listen to me. There is no greater kindness, or greater Jews. Thank you. I imagine, overall, I have been blessed way more than I have been cursed. At least I would like to think so.